i still regret you.

it's been a hard night for some reason here... i think maybe it's been that I've been here at my apartment alone for the past week and the silence is starting to get to me.
who knows, all i know is that my mind has been plagued with hurting memories, and confusing thoughts. i think it all started when last night i was cleaning out from under my bed and i pulled out a stack of old photo albums. now, anyone with a good brain would have known better than to open then all and start looking at the pictures, but i guess since it's spring break for me I've turned my brain off and was stupid enough to think "Oh Goody! Pictures!!!". I'm sure i can just blame it on spring break this time.. my heart was flooded with emotions. when are you 100% sure you're over everything? is it when you stop feeling any emotion whatsoever to what happened in the past? or is it when you can look at the past and feel okay about it all? or is it maybe when you just forgive the people who've done you wrong? or is it when you just don't think about it anymore and stop thinking... "what if something would have been a little different"? i'm not sure i can say that i can do any of those things. for the most part i've forgiven... but i think it's not as easy as people say it is. i mean, i don't hate anyone... and it's not as if i sit around thinking about what horrible people they are and so on... but it still hurts. and i still resent what some people have put me through. and i know a lot of it was my fault... i mean, i let some people treat me the way they did... but they never had to take advantage of me the way they did. and it's not just me... it's the other people who i am close to.. the things that have happened to them, and the people who have done them. it's just the hurt i've seen the people who i love so much go through... it kills me.the stuff i've seen my mom & dad go through... and my brother.. and even megan. and even the people like kyle, who i hardly know, but my heart still hurts for them. and there is nothing i can do about it.
but it's nights like these that i just have to think to myself... what's God doing... what's he doing? in not just me, but everyone else around me? why have we been going through everything that we've been going through these past months? not that it's been bad... just questioning. everything has changed... i don't feel like the same person i was... even a month ago. i wonder if everyone else feels the same....
i guess this really is change...

life is good.

   God is good.

 

i love him.

 

very much